I just typed out this huge ass essay worth of self hatred and angst and such bullshit to my friend just now. She probably won’t even respond to me, because she, like everyone other person I’ve ever depended on to be my friend, has let me down. God, is it really asking for too much to just be surrounded by people who actually care about you and legitimately enjoy your company and shit? I don’t even have a single friend. Me, right now, just typing that, is the exact moment of me just realizing that I don’t have a single friend. I don’t have a best friend, I don’t have a sort of friend. I don’t have anyone to ever talk to because I don’t connect with anyone yet. I’m always hiding parts of myself because I struggle with telling the truth. I don’t think I could ever tell someone face to face how much my heart hurts right now, how apparent this ache is, how hard I find it sometimes to just get by on certain days. Sure, some days are good, but tonight is just one of those nights where I want to go to bed and not talk to anyone for a few weeks because it takes a while for me to get over shit by myself. The number one thing that people always say to me when they first start talking to me is that they always think I’m a really mean and mad person because when they see me walking around and I always look so angry and sad, and before I used to not get it, but I totally see why. I suppose I’m not as good at hiding what I really feel inside as much as I thought I did.

I just wish I didn’t always feel like I had to bottle so much shit inside. I’m actually so closed off that I’m ashamed to even be straight up with whoever is reading this and list out all of the things that are bothering me right now. I’m so fake to everyone, that I can’t even be upfront with strangers on the internet. How awful is that. I wish people actually took the effort to be say to me that it’s okay and that they may not go through the same things that I go through, but they’re at least willing to listen to my problems and make me feel less alone. I hate myself for not being able to really relate to anyone I know. I hate myself right now because my only way of getting out all of this bullshit I feel is to type out all of this on this dumbass website. 

Yeah this probably doesn’t make sense by my head hurts right now so I’m not even going to try to spell check or check for grammar or re-read this.